One Day (UPDATE)

Lmfao I found this blog from almost 4 fucking years ago. Its actually really embarrassing. I'm actually a feminist now and I've seen the light about how much of a dick Ray William Johnson is so that's a relief. I remember when I liked his song 'Friendzoned'. Ya Allah! I no longer wear hijab full-time. Really only when I'm at the masjid. I feel like I'm slipping away from Islam because I've realized that I'm queer. Yet I've found tons of resources for gay Muslims online so there's that. I just feel the need to please everyone and I fucking hate that. I wish I could get away from the judgement. Away from the Western view that all Muslims are this way or that or are praising me for getting away from the terrorist, patriarchal Islamists and. Away from Muslim (mostly Muslim men that I'm talking about tbh) who upload patriarchal values and try to tear me down. It's just really painful. Oh yeah Im 21 now. You would think that I would be wiser and stronger and in a way I am because so much has changed and I've been through so fucking much. But I'm still the same. Fat. Depressed. Struggling. I wonder when I can just be fat, happy, and financial/mentalling stable. One day....

Since the blog is read by no one...

I might as well get my celebrity crush out. His name is Ray William Johnson. He's a sexy caramel drop. He likes to act like he's 'hard' but he's actually very kind-hearted. I remember when I first saw him. I was 15 and he was making sexist jokes that all the 'feminists' were whining about. Not me. No, I saw the sexyness within. He's really sweet if you watch him and I know I sound like a creepy stalker but I live in Nashville so there's no way I'd ever be able to meet him. But yeah, Ray is super hot and so adorableyy. He has this really nice smile too. And a really nice chuckle. Ok. I'm going to stop now since I'm creeping myself out. Oooh, just got an idea. I should update this blog on the days Ray updates =3 so that we can be synchronized. That's the closest we'll ever be to having sex. I keed, I keed. The closest we'll get to being 'one' is if I ever get chosen to be one comment question of the day. Mine is gonna be "Why do you hate me?" because it seems like everything and everyone does. Now scroll down to post made a few months ago. See the big change? I wonder what happened to me... I wonder...
Here's a random snapshot of Ray's sexyness!!! :DD

Yeah, My Facebook is gone.

So I deleted my Facebook. Well deactivated it technically. I'm just so tired tired of the judgement. I'm sure no one will miss me. I don't even miss myself. This blog is also pointless but since it's anonymous I can feel comfortable posting on it.

My Motivation

Okay, so I've been exercising everyday for a month and I just noticed that my 'motivation song' is really weird. It's slow and sexy. It's actually called Motivation by Kelly Rowland. I guess I'm weird but when she says 'Push Harder' and stuff like that I feel power going through my veins and I'm able to push through my 45 minutes a day. Because before this summer I was basically a fat, depressed sloth. It was really disgusting. But now I'm motivated to work hard and become the person I want to be. I want to be able to look in the mirror and see beauty. I also want to be able to walk without my thighs rubbing together, lol. I guess I'll just keep moving forward. And for the people out there trying to lose weight but can't get motivated just get up and do it. Don't make an elaborate plan. Just DO IT!! I know what I'm talking about. One day I was like 'eff this'! And I just got up and started working out. Anything is better than nothing. I started with 15 minutes, then moved to 30, and now I'm at 45. And once I get that down I'll be at 60. I'm also making sure I drink half a gallon of water a day. Just moving slowly towards my goal of 160 or 170 lbs. I've already lost 15 lbs and I feel amazing! Whoot. It feels beautifully cool! :))

Just starting a blog... lalala

Okay, so I'm now in the big race against time and really myself. I'm starting this blog to just document my life and let some steam off, anonymously on the internet. A big part of myself is my religion yet right now I don't seem to have the strength/courage/will to wear a scarf. I just got back from California, visiting my deadbeat, crack-addicted father and I didn't wear my scarf to the airport, there or back to Nashville. People just seem to be so scared and that, in turn scares me that someone could be scared of a young woman with innocent intentions. If anyone actually reads this crap this probably see this as an attempt to make people feel sorry for me and other Muslims but that's honestly how I feel. However, right now I'm going through a growing phase. I just graduated from high school and I'm just figuring out who I am and who I want to be. I thought I had it all figure but this wouldn't be the first time a teenager has admitted to faulty reasoning (or maybe it will be). I don't know. I'm just confused and hurt and my health has taken a turn for the worst. I'm snapping on my family all the time, it's like I have PMS/24/7 which seems like this new disease with no cure. I've also gained 80 pounds in approx. 2 years and I don't know how. And no one has reached out a hand to help. Maybe it's because I'm so tall (5'11) and I carry the extra weight OK. But I'm tired off feeling like this Amazon freak with no support in my life. I have all this extra baggage on me and I find it sad that I have to turn to the internet for support. I probably sound like Wendy Whiner, right now. LMAO.

This feels so amazing right now because there's so much drama in my life and it just feels nice to sit down and write. That's what I originally wanted to do you know? Write. And although my mom said she was supportive of anything I can see the tight look in her eyes when I first said I wanted to be a writer. And I kinda know what she means because we've had to struggle all my life and I just don't want make the same mistakes that she made. I'm tired and having to fight and beg for everything that I have. And if making a sacrifice, giving up my dream, will make this disgusting, tired feeling go away then I make a deal with the devil. I just want what everyone wants I guess. The Looks, The Hair, The Body, The Money. Common things to want in America, I guess. Whelp, that's it for me. I'm really tired coz I've pulled a vampire move and staying up all night. Now I must crawl into bed, bundle the covers around, and fall into a coma where I'm rich and beautiful and I have no problems in life. Lol, if only. But JahPeace sending peace to whoever may chance across this blog. Or, as Chris Breezy says 'Dueces'!